Lauren teases him about his quite Chachi-esque sleeveless t-shirt (where's the red bandana?) and Jason says he doesn't have that many clothes anymore. WTF? Is giving your wardrobe to charity one of the twelve steps or something? Stringing along your ex-girlfriend sure seems to be. Everything is lovely and unusually non-awkward until Jason blurts out that he wants Lauren to meet his girlfriend…that he's MOVING IN WITH! Damn, talk about a one-two punch. Lauren's eyes bug so far out of her head it seems like they are going to fall out right of their sockets and land in her vegetable fritti. But this mini-explosion is nothing compared to the A-bomb J.Wahl drops later in the episode. Jason goes on to say he and the new gf are having a housewarming party and he'd like to Lauren to come. Lauren smiles insincerely and pretends to be happy about having to meet her ex's new girl.
At Hillside V, Lauren and Audrina (who is looking super fab this entire episode) catch up. Lauren tells Audrina about her tres horrid lunch with Jason and the subsequent housewarming shindig she has committed to attending. Audrina offers to go with and Lauren gratefully accepts. Plus, the girls are going out with Whitney that night so all is not lost. I predict some heavy drinking. Let's just pray Lauren doesn't do a drunk dial.
Over at Teen Vogue Whitney has a meeting with the slightly scary Lisa Love. Oooh…what is up with Ms. Love's hair? Her part is approximately the same width as the Grand Canyon. Rogaine for Women, sweetie. Try it! Lisa has a big assignment for Whitney: her own photo shoot. The shoot will be featuring a band called Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. Really? That's pretty lame. I mean, most band names are inherently ridiculous if you really think about it, but this one is stretching it pretty far. Or maybe I'm just picking on it because I know what pretentious, scuzzy, douchebags its members turn out to be. Before dismissing her, Lisa warns Whitney she is in charge of the shoot and if anything goes wrong it will be on Whitney's shoulders. But no pressure or anything.
Cut to Heidi and her only (and not even real) friend Jen Bunney shopping for Heidi's wedding dress. Heidi, who is now the approximate size, shape, and color of a toothpick (and who can blame her, I probably wouldn't be able to eat either if I had to sleep in the same bed as Spencer Pratt) comes out modeling a wedding gown of the standard "fairy princess" variety. (Would Heidi have it any other way?) The dress is clipped and pinned to the hilt in the back just to keep it on her frail frame. Heidi rambles on about how she is just sooooo excited and her heart is beating out of control, but she's so robotic and flat it just doesn't seem sincere. Heidi says she doesn't know how Spencer really feels about all this wedding hoopla. Jen asks if Heidi ever worries about falling out of love because at their age it is so easy to get caught up in a whirlwind romance that has no real substance. Heidi takes her usual defensive track telling Bunney she doesn't understand because Jen just "isn't in the right mindframe" and Heidi and Spencer are like totally MFEO. Doesn't Jen know that nothing can stand in the way of their perfect love? Just keep tellin' yourself that sister. Jen Bunney seems to second my sentiments as she leans against the wall looking bored/unconvinced.
Meanwhile Whitney and Lauren meet with Red Jump Suit Apparatus so the guys can try on some jeans for the next day's photo shoot. Lauren tries to organize and is calling out different sizes of jeans she has. I distinctly hear her say "32" and "28". 28!?! I can't even squeeze my left ass cheek into 28s. WTF kind of manorexic punk-ass wears size 28 jeans!?! I seriously want to know, so I can kill him and steal his thyroid. It gets worse when another band member proudly declares he wears a size 8, a size 8 in "ladies" jeans that is. Christ, this whole metrosexual revolution has gone a bit too far, don't ya think? Small talk ensues and Lauren and Whitney end up inviting the guys to go to a "dive bar" with them later that evening. As they walk (well Whintey walks, Lauren sort of awkwardly teeters on her too-high heels) back to the car, Lauren wonders if they are allowed to hang out with the band in a non-professional capacity. She knows firsthand what a ball-busting, fun-stifling B-I-T-C-H Lisa Love can be.
That night, Whitney, Lauren, and Audrina show up to the bar, called The Dime and RJA is already there, stereotypically "partying like rockstars". The guys suggest shots, but Whitney is apprehensive, worried that getting tore up from the floor up may not be the best idea the night before her first solo photo shoot. Sexual innuendo-based flirting occurs facilitated by shot names such as "buttery nipples" and "red-headed sluts". Everyone does a shot from a huge glass which really appears to be at least a DOUBLE. The girls all make cute this-shot-is-so-icky faces and Audrina even pinches her nose as she swallows hers. Come on now, it can't taste any worse than Justin Bobby's psychadelic spunk. One of the guys ask the girls if they have plans after the bar but Whitney says the have to be up early for the photo shoot. RJA does another rounds of shots. I foresee doooooooooom!
The next morning at Hillside Villas, a hungover (albeit cutely dressed) Lauren gets ready to leave for the RJA photo shoot. Audrina asks if Lauren will get busted by her Teen Vogue superiors if something goes wrong with the shoot due to the previous night's partying. Lauren says she won't, but Whit's ass is totally on the line. Lauren complains about how tired she is and Audrina suggest a "power nap" after the shoot, but Lauren reminds her there won't be time because they have to go to Jason's housewarming thingy that evening.
Lauren and Whitney pull up to Santa Monica Airport, where the RJA shoot is scheduled. Both girls are hung over and looking a bit worse for the wear. Of course, RJA and their size 8 ladies skinny jeans are nowhere to be found. People are waiting around and start demanding to know where the fuck the band is. Whitney says she doesn't know and maybe they had car problems. More stalling. It's starting to look pretty bleak when a big black Suburban rolls up and the and the band members come tumbling out like a bunch of emo acrobats. Phew! Whitney directs Lauren to start steaming some jeans (because dirty rockers NEVER wear wrinkled jeans) and holds out a pair of what is surely some ridiculously over-priced designer denim for Mr. "Women's Size 8 and Damn Proud of It" to change into. He acts like your typical full of himself, difficult just for the sake of being an asshole, famous musician and outright refuses to change. Except he's NOT famous. I've never even heard of RJA and they can't be doing that well for themselves if they are willing to whore themselves out on an episode of The fucking Hills. To quote Brody Jenner "what a little bitch". See that's the trouble with guys that wear women's pants, they don't just dress like teenage girls, they also ACT like them. Whitney is stressed and worried about what her boss will have to say, because Botox injections and sychophantic gay assistant aside, Wilhemenia Slater ain't got nothin' on Lisa Love's ass.
Elsewhere-The Grove in Hollywood to be specific-Heidi and Spencer walk around a Crate & Barrel/Pottery Barn style store to register for the wedding that they haven't even set a date for yet. I think Heids is jumping the gun a bit with all the registering and wedding dress shopping. Heidi tears through the store registering for everything in a Bridezilla frenzy while Spencer (who I'm sorry to say is back to rocking a beard that looks like it's made from remnants of the disposal bin from Miss Patty's Bikini and Body Waxing Shop) looks like he'd rather be ANYWHERE ELSE IN THE WORLD. Spencer says it's lame to register because they already have more than enough stuff and don't need people to buy them anything else. For someone who a few weeks back told his fiancée's parents that he'd marry Heidi "right now", Spencer certainly seems to have developed a sudden and severe allergy to all things matrimonial. Heidi gets sort of annoyed and pouts that they will resume the activity on another day.
Nightime in the hills. Lauren and Audrina arrive at Jason's new love nest. Jason greets them and introduces them to his new girlfriend, Katja who looks as bitchy as her name sounds. But I guess I wouldn't be too psyched about my bf's ex coming to my housewarming party either, especially if she was quasi-famous and had camera crews in tow. (Not to mention about 4,000 times prettier than me). Lauren and Audrina look around uncomfortably while Jason and Katja continually make out like seventh graders in a movie theater. Just when it appears things can't go any worse for poor Lauren, one of Jason's drunken bros stands up and makes a congratulatory "toast" to Jason and Katja and their recent engagement. Ouch! Lauren looks like she's been socked in the stomach and goes outside to get some air. Jason follows and stupidly asks if everything is OK, even though Lauren is visibly upset and it's obvious to anybody with an IQ over 40 EXACTLY why. Jason says he knows Lauren's bothered because she doesn't like Katja, but Lauren explains that she just thinks he's being an idiot and getting engaged a month out of rehab may not be the best course of action for a recovering addict. I'm not entirely sure J.Wahl hasn't been hitting the sauce again either, between his goofy grin and complete inability to understand Lauren's reaction to his engagement announcement. I mean she was barely getting used to the idea of Jason having a girlfriend. Give a girl some time to process! He's totally reverting to Season One Jason and I really want to slap him in the face. He says he thought Lauren would be happy for him and seems truly perplexed as to why she isn't. Katja, swathed in a blanket of insecurity, comes out to mark her territory and for lack of a better word "cockblocks" Jason from talking to Lauren. Conversation OVER. Subtle. Why didn't she just come out with a hot iron and brand "Property of Katja" across Jason's back? With Spencer-grade phoniness, Lauren forces a smile and says "congratulations" before hightailing it the hell out of there.
The next day at Teen Vogue the Grim Reamer aka Lisa Love calls Whitney in her office to interrogate her about the RJA photo shoot. Whitney says she feels she did a competent job but did hit a little snag when Bitchy McGirliepants did not want to change into the proscribed wardrobe. Lisa asks what Whitney did about this which for some reason prompts Whitney to confess about going out with the band the night before to get to know them for the shoot. Lisa's hard expression of disapproval almost makes me crap my pants (and I'm just watching) but Whitney takes it in stride. Ms. Love explains that too much socialization in a professional relationship can lead to a lack of respect, as exhibited by RJA at the photo shoot (though my hunch is that those fools would have been pompous bastards regardless). Whitney apologizes and looks relieved to escape with her job-and her life-intact because L Squared can definitely bring on the fright.
Because they have nothing better to do, Spencer and Heidi go out for lunch. Spencer still looks like a walking advertisement for Long John Silver's. Mmmm...fish and chips! Heidi, who has come down with a nasty case of Bridal Fever wants to talk about what else? The wedding. She soliloquies on and on about whether they should plan a fall or spring ceremony and says she already has the perfect church picked out and everything. Spencer is completely nonplussed. He casts his vote to elope in Tibet then reveals that he hasn't even told his parents about the engagement. Heidi looks SHOCKED. Damn, Spencer waves more red flags than a matador convention, but Heidi still refuses to open her damn eyes already and see the signs.
Outside the Teen Vogue offices, Whitney and Lauren walk down the block for lunch? A coffee break? Whitney gives Lauren the deets on her ass-chewing session with Lisa Love. Lauren tells Whitney about Jason's housewarming-turned-engagement party. Whitney totally OMGs. Lauren sort of snarks on the celebration, noting it was more a fraternity kegger than her (and most every girl's) dream of an engagement party at The Plaza. Lauren says Jason shouldn't even be dating anyone according to his twelve-step program, let alone be going around proposing to people. Whitney says Jason has to make his own mistakes and learn from them. Lauren sighs and half-heartedly agrees. I know Lauren is like 98% over Jason and really is primarily speaking out of genuine concern for him as a friend, but part of her is just instinctively reacting to the ex-girlfriend "Why wasn't I good enough?" bitch slap we all feel when the guy we (incorrectly) thought was The One gets engaged. Poor Lauren. But at least now she doesn't have to live in an apartment with a Bob Marley poster.
Next Week: Elodie gives Bolthouse her walking papers and what happens in Vegas…gets aired on MTV.