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05 November 2007 @ 05:01 pm
What Goes Around…Karma & The Wheels on the Rumor Mill  
I mean, I sure working for the Empire of Wintour can open up a lot of doors in the publishing world, but if you think about it, these poor girls are basically just glorified housekeepers. Anywho, Lauren fills Whitney in on all the happenings that went down in Vegas including her lukewarm kiss with Brody and the three-way fight between Lo, Audrina, and herself. Whitney points out that she figured at some point Lauren and Audrina would get into it because between sharing an apartment and a circle of friends they are together almost all of the time (except for when JB sweeps Audrina away for "romantic" weekend getaways to mushroom farms). The ultimate plot device (aka Lauren's cell phone) goes off and Lauren reveals she's just received a text message from the infamous and previously ostracized Jen Bunney. Jen's message both ominously and vaguely states that she and Lauren "need to talk". Whitney says Lauren and Jen have "a lot of catching up to do". Lauren gets sort of bug-eyed and nods solemnly in agreement. Calm down, sister. It's lunch with Jen Bunney, not a meeting with your parole officer.


Later, back at the Hillside Vs Lauren comes home to spill to Audrina about the "random" event of Jen Bunney's out of the blue text. Lauren sort of segues into resolving the Vegas fight by saying how she's been thinking a lot about her friends lately and realizes in her intent to be protective of her friends can be overbearing and judgmental at times. It's hard to face those kind of truths about oneself and many 21-year olds lack that maturity, so I have to give Lauren props for being so self-aware. Lauren goes on to admit she is still "broken" by everything that happened between her and Heidi. Lauren sounds close to tears when she explains to Audrina that she feels bad that she was so domineering that Heidi felt forced to move out. Lauren tells Audrina she doesn't want to lose her as a roommate/BFF too and offers a heartfelt apology for coming down so hard on Justin Bobby (even though he's an absolute fuckwit and a complete tool). Lauren says she will need Audrina's help though since old habits die hard, so Audrina should just tell her to STFU if she starts overstepping her bounds again. Audrina accepts the apology and says it's all good.


Lauren and Lo shop at some ridiculous store where the tank tops cost like $75. Lauren tells Lo how she made up with Audrina but Lo is baffled as to what Lauren had to apologize about, rightfully dismissing Justin as a "loser". Lauren explains that she's just tired of fighting with people. Uh-oh, the producers aren't going to like that. Lo asks Lauren what she's doing later that day and Lauren cops to planning to meet Jen B. for lunch. Lo is shocked and wonders aloud what Jen wants and also reminds Lauren of how much damage Jen Bunney has done to her in the past. If I recall correctly, when Jen Bunney made out with Brody in Season 2, Lauren said something about how Jen was the reason she and Lo stopped being friends for awhile. So we can add a Lo-less Season 1 to Jen Bunney's long list of trespasses. Lo sort of tries to talk Lauren out of keeping the lunch date, but Lauren wants to hear what Bunney has to say. Lo gives Lauren a big hug and says she just doesn't want anybody to be mean to her. Lauren smiles and says "Thanks, Mama Lo"…awww, cutesy!


Over at Bolthouse, Heidi gets a stern talking-to from the bossman himself for fucking up the Emmy event. Naturally, Heidi tries to blame the whole thing on Elodie. Brent cuts her off saying "Elodie doesn't work here anymore" and points out that if Heidi would have informed somebody about her arrangement with Elodie, she would have been aware of that fact before Bolthouse was left standing with his dick in his hand. Loser! Brent tells Heidi that the PR industry is "not an 8 to 5 job, it's a career" and warns her that she can't screw up again. It's all for the cameras though because Heidi and The Hills publicity she brings are the best things that have ever happened to that follicularly unfortunate jackass.


Lauren, wearing a distractingly cute sundress, goes to meet post-op Jen Bunney for lunch. Unlike Heidi, Lauren has the tact not to blurt out "you look sooooo different", but simply says hello and gives Jen a hug. They tread through some awkward chitchat about Lauren starting school again and being tired/busy. Jen compliments Lauren's diamond(!) friendship bracelet and Lauren thanks her, enigmatically noting it was "from a friend". Shit, I don't know who that friend is, but I need to become part of their social circle, ASAP! Something about the way Lauren says it makes me think the bracelet came from Brody, but I could definitely be wrong. Jen cuts to the chase and gets into the infamous "rumor situation". She insincerely says she wanted to call Lauren when she heard about it to make sure Lauren was okay, but knew Lauren didn't want to hear from her. Lauren confirms this saying "it wouldn't have been the right time". Jen then tells Lauren she recently had lunch with Heidi who told her that Brody was behind all the sex tape rumors. Jen says she doesn't know who it was and doesn't want to get involved, as though Lauren was the one who invited her out to lunch, not the other way around. Lauren says she doesn't believe it was Brody and thinks it's just another classic example of Heidi and Spencer passing around the blame like a joint at a Matisyahu concert…and she's right!


Lauren returns to Hillside Villas to find Audrina home folding laundry. Lauren tells Audrina about the Brody bomb that Jen just dropped. Audrina observes that Brody is not one to cause drama. And I have to agree. For all his famewhorish cheesiness Brody does seem like a pretty nice guy and (at least on camera) he's never talked trash about anyone. Lauren doesn't think it's Brody, but since they are having dinner that night anyway, she tells Audrina she's going to get the word straight from the horse's mouth (but refrains from using such a dorky McCarthy-era expression to express same). Then Lauren drops some wisdom Justin Bobby style, sarcastically saying "truth and time tells all". Even Audrina has to chuckle, because you can't NOT laugh at such unbridled douchiness.


Over at Chez Speidi, Heidi obsessively applies about nineteen pounds of blush while whining to Spencer about getting bitched out by Brent. A (fortunately for us) clean-shaven and incredulous Spencer declares Heidi's innocence and says it's not her fault she didn't know Elodie quit. But it IS her fault for bailing out on her first important solo event so she could have dinner with you at Don Antonio's again, you self-righteous fucktard. Spencer looks irritated as he says he and Heidi can't depend on anyone but each other. Whatever, Spencer. That's what happens when you make a "career" out of being a reality TV villain mowing down your friends, co-workers, and anyone else in the way in the process. And when the whole world subsequently hates you, you can't really expect anybody to have your back, particularly the people that you've fucked over. Asshat.


Oh no, "date night" with Audrina and Justin Bobby (who is evidently still foregoing conditioner and boycotting all clothes manufactured prior to 1994).< > >These two are so simultaneously awkward and vapid, I feel like I need to be loaded just to watch them. I'm still not over their horrid dinner at Charcoal from like the third episode. This time, JB takes his lady to a tres classy pool hall. They play billiards while Audrina tells Justin about her talk with Lauren, except the way Audrina breaks it down isn't remotely close to the scene they aired on MTV. Audrina basically says she told Lauren it's her life and she is going to do what she wants and be with who she wants and Lauren needs to just accept it and stay the hell out of it. Wow. Either the MTV editors are up to their usual shenanigans, or Audrina is almost as full of shit as her boyfriend. JB spouts some more of his granola crunchy thoughts on life, but I'm way too bored by him to listen. When Audrina sinks the last ball in the pocket and declares she's won, Justin Bobby gives her a big hug and tells her she's "amazing". Yuck. Somebody save me!


Lauren, in a super fabulous red dress, meets Brody for dinner. I don't envy the girl's drama-filled life, but I SERIOUSLY covet her wardrobe. Lauren and Brody rehash how much fun they had in Vegas and he teases her about "crawling into [his] bed". They laugh, drink sake, and toast to "true friends". Speaking of true friends, or in this case the polar opposite thereof, Lauren tells Brody how Heidi told Jen Bunney he was the one behind all the sex tape rumors. Brody looks more amused than surprised. Even a himbo like Jenner knows how Speidi operates. Lauren tells Brody she believes he didn't start said rumors, but needs him to confirm who did. Brody is reluctant and doesn't want to get involved. Lauren explains how his withholding the information hurts her feelings and after a pause Brody straight up tells her that he knows for "100% fact" that Spencer and Heidi were the source of the rumors. Dunt-dunt-dunt! Bitch, please. Tell us something we don't know! There may be polar ice caps forming in hell as I type this, but I don't think Brody is a bad guy. In fact, he seems to genuinely care for Lauren and I don't think he would ever spread such evil, malicious rumors about her. Plus, his eyebrows are AWESOME! The world would be a much prettier place if all men were as meticulously groomed as Brody Jenner.


Over at Teen Vogue, Whitney and Lauren fold more clothes (what's with the laundry theme this episode?) while Lauren gives Whitney all the details on the Brody-Jen-Heidi-He Said/She Said drama. Lauren gets Brody's back, saying he's loyal and never talks shit about anyone-even his bitchy ex-girlfriends. Whitney wonders if Heidi was involved, which, duh. Poor Whitney. The way the producers make her ask all the really obvious leading questions kind of makes it seem like she's mentally retarded. Lauren decides to call Jen and set the record straight.


Another "forced awkward intimate situation" between Heidi and Jen Bunney during which they meet for lunch and pretend they are happy to see each other or ever speak off-camera. Jen talks about her make-up lunch with Lauren. Heidi, in a display of fantastically poor acting, says she thinks that is great and Jen and Lauren should be friends and their whole falling out was stupid. Whatevs, Heidi. Does this mean that Jen's got the green light to boff Spencer? (Not that she or anybody else would want to *gags*). Jen asks if Heidi wants to reconcile with Lauren as well. Heidi says she would if they could "put everything behind [them]". Jen says it may be harder for Lauren to forgive Heidi since "it's not like someone kissed someone" but somebody put out something for "millions of people to see". My call? Bunney and Heidi are both selfish, conniving bitches and Lauren is better off without them! Listen to Mama Lo! Jen tells Heidi that Lauren confronted Brody about starting the rumors and he denied it, pinning the blame (where it belongs) on Heidi and Spencer. Jen then sacks up and point blank asks Heidi if she was involved. Heidi feigns astonishment and taking a page from Spencer's phrase-of-the-day book, says she cannot believe Jen is "coming at [her] like that". Jen says she was more suspicious of Spencer than Heidi and Heidi gets all bent because she knows she and her man are getting called out…on national television. Jen, mindless follower that she is, (I swear, that chick must be half-lemming or something) tries to backpedal, but Heidi's had enough and is all "Check, please!"


A livid Heidi returns home to her apartment to find Spencer (as usual) atrophying on the couch. I wish the serial killer from the movie Seven would spring to life and choose Spencer as his "sloth" victim. Speaking of sloth, I guess Spencer's been feeling too lazy to shave because he's totally back to rocking the crotchface. Fucking MTV, either Spencer can grow a full beard in the course of a few days or the editing on this show is so whacked out it would take a NASA-trained team of quantum physicists to construct the actual timeline. Heidi tells Spencer about the revelations that came out her lunch with Jen Bunney, particularly about Brody ratting them out. Spencer copies Brody's quote from the "break-up" episode and denounces Brody "a little bitch" but it's not funny like it was when Brody called Spencer that. Heidi sort of prompts Spencer to say he was not responsible for starting the sex tape rumors, but he just smirks and that smirk is TOTALLY a tacit admission of guilt. A wide pan-out shot of Los Angeles brings yet another disappointing episode of The Hills to a close.


Next Week: Lauren gets a cute boy, Brody gets cutely jealous, and Heidi tells the totally un-cute Spencer to get a fucking job.