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05 November 2007 @ 05:04 pm
No More Mr. Nice Guy…Girls Just Wanna Date Jerks  
Boo-fucking-hoo, honey! I didn't have a date for close to three years and when I finally did, I ended up getting dropped off a cinderblock wall and bleeding! It was totally like an episode of Prison Break, minus the hotness of Wentworth Miller. They browse their menus while Lauren sighs that nothing is really catching her eye. Brody does some Morse code with his eyebrows. Lauren just giggles. Oh the innuendo! These two are less subtle than Heidi's make-up.

Speaking of Heidi...over at Bolthouse, she seems to be actually working for a change. You know, as opposed to playing Solitaire and asking her assistant to transfer her contacts to her new cell phone. Brent is holding a meeting about an upcoming event to be headed up by some douchey-looking guy named Rob. He also introduces Kim, the new events coordinator, who will be working with Heidi at the event. After the meeting, Heidi sticks around to introduce herself to Kim. Kim tells Heidi that everybody has been calling her the "new Elodie" but she doesn't know what that means. It means you better watch your back sister, cause Heidi and Spencer will soon be conspiring to take you out! Heidi makes insincere small talk, asking how Kim is adjusting to the Bolthouse rat race (rat being the operative word). Kim says she digs it because she's a New York City girl and therefore used to the frantic pace (and the rats).

Meanwhile at Smashbox Studios, Whitney and Lauren are holding a casting for Teen Vogue's "Young Hollywood" issue. Whitney snaps polaroids, while Lauren hands out applications. I didn't know models had to fill out applications. Is it wrong that I get a strange sense of satisfaction from knowing that at least some part of a model's glamorous existence is hampered by the same nuisances as us regular people? A tres adorable male model named Gavin approaches Lauren and recalls they had previously worked a shoot together. Lauren stares at him blankly, before remembering oh yeah, she had tried to set him up with her then-BFF, Heidi. Lauren tells Whitney that said set-up occurred during the advent of "Speidi" and Whit helpfully (or not) points out that Lauren was desperate for Heidi to go out with anyone who was NOT Spencer at that time. Whitney comments on how differently things would have turned out if only Heidi could have been dissuaded from selling her soul to Spencer. The girls get down to business. Lauren direct Gavin to change and Whitney takes his picture. Gavin returns to where Lauren is sitting and says he feels like he "totally booked" the gig. Lauren, who looks simultaneously put off and turned on by this garish show of self-esteem jokes that Gavin sure doesn't have an issue with confidence. Gavin goes in back to change when Whitney walks in and loudly says "he was funny". Lauren silently signals to Whit that the model has not left the building and Whitney falters into a mortified silence and leaves the room with an embarrassed giggle. Gavin comes back out and asks Lauren out. She gives him her number and he takes off. Whitney comes back in about to press for details and Lauren is just like "Don't".

Over at Spencer and Heidi's casa de amor, Heidi applies approximately fifteen coats of mascara in preparation for Bolhouse's NASCAR event that night. Spencer, who made his signature "surprise" plans for a make-up anniversary dinner that evening without even consulting Heidi has the audacity to throw a shit-fit when Heidi says she can't go. Heidi tries to negotiate, suggesting Spencer come to the event with her and they "grab a late-night bite" afterwards. This compromise would be acceptable to Spencer if he weren't more full of estrogen than the studio audiences of The View and Oprah combined, but we all know that's not the case. Spencer gives Heidi a dramatic thumbs down like he's a Roman emperor signaling for a gladiator to be slain. Heidi explains to her man-child boyfriend that this event is part of her job now and heads for the door. Spencer calls out that he'll see her that night at their anniversary dinner except, oh wait, she won't be there. Heidi who has finally had enough, tells Spencer, "I'll be at work. Why don't you try it?". Aw shit son, you just got SERVED! Heidi: 1, Spencer: -12.

At Hillside Villas, Lauren, Audrina, and Lo gossip while painting their fingernails black (how emo). Lauren tells the girls they won't get to meet Gavin at Brody's BBQ because he has to shoot a commercial that day. (Given the unreliable editing on this program we can only pray said BBQ it's not going to be rehashed footage of the 4th of July BBQ from so many episodes ago). The girls talk about how nice it is that Gavin is not a part of their incestual crew of hook-up buddies (i.e. Frankie, Brody, et al). At that exact moment, Lauren gets a text from Gav saying he will be able to make the BBQ after all. Yipee! Bellinis for everyone! Lo shares my enthusiasm as she rubs her palms together and squeals "I love passing judgment on people!". Join the club, sister! Lo rocks! The girls wonder how well Brody and Frankie will interact with Gavin. Lo doesn't think Frankie will care while Audrina wonders about Brody's reaction. See? Even poor, dim-witted Audrina doesn't buy Lauren and Brody's "just friends" guise.

The day of Brody's BBQ arrives. The fact that the girls show up with Whitney in tow and sans a be-combat booted Justin Bobby assuages my fears regarding refried footage. This is fresh meat people! Get it while it's hot. Frankie asks Brody is he's cool with Lauren bringing a date. Brody convincingly affirms he is. He seems pretty mellow, not sure much gets to this kid. Gavin shows up and the judgment begins. Brody whispers to Lauren that Gavin is "kind of short", which I didn't really notice until Gavin is standing near the other guys. Whatevs, he's still cute. And rocking the shit out of that surfer boy hair. Which is more than I can say for Brody's surf-fro. Gavin goes into REI spokesperson mode and launches into an "I heart camping" tirade. Ouch, Lauren looks almost as put off as she did by that guy that would not shut the fuck up about his forty cent "vintage" t-shirts. I don't think Gavin's stay in The Hills will be a long one. Later, Gavin grills burgers while Brody grills Gavin about Lauren. On the beach, Lo and Frankie swear Brody is acting jealous, which Lauren totally denies. Lauren tells them her relationship with Brody is totally platonic. Sure it is, if by "totally plantonic" you mean "secret fuckbuddies".

At the NASCAR event Heidi checks in with Kim who seems to be doing a fine job of running the event. Spencer calls up to gilt trip Heidi and hangs up on her when she tries to defend herself. Heidi starts complaining to could-not-care-less Kim. She definitely not the new Elodie, because Eldoie at least pretended to give a shit about Heidi's supremely uninteresting drama.

Back at the BBQ Brody and Lo give each other their reviews of Gavin. Brody thinks Gavin is alright but seems "too perfect". Lo is like "What's up with you? Is it because you still like Lauren?" Called out! Gavin tells Lauren her friends are really nice but she seems too busy enjoying the really nice view of Brody's ass to pay much attention.

Spencer drops by Bolthouse and tells the receptionist he's there to see Heidi. She treats him like a shady delivery boy, because that's what he looks like, and asks who he is. The receptionist summons Heidi. When Heidi comes up front Spencer sort of spins her around and says he is stealing her away for lunch. Heidi's all "no you're not, I'm in a meeting". Spencer's face falls like a soufflé at 8,700 feet above sea level. Heidi says they can meet up for dinner, and Spencer grudgingly accepts, bitching about how Heidi has no time for him. Maybe that's because Heidi has a life, or at least a job. If Spencer had anything better to do than play his arcade games and watch the jellyfish swim all day, I seriously doubt he'd be so into stalking Heidi. Bet you're missing Brody "little bitch" Jenner now, aren't you Spence?

At Hillside Villas, Lauren preps for her date with the G-man. Not even sure why she's bothering with the date at this point as she is so clearly not into Gavin. Audrina explains that she thinks Gavin is nice, but not Lauren's type. Lauren tells her Brody thinks the same. Raise your hand if you vote for Stephen Coletti.

Gavin takes Lauren to Sushi Dan's on Sunset. Lauren says she apologizes if the BBQ was weird for Gavin, but he assures her everyone was really cool. They debate about what to order. Gavin recommends the Audrina-approved "Crazy Danny Roll" and the salmon roll. Lauren says she's not a huge fan of salmon and tells Gavin to order. Stupidly, he orders the salmon roll and force feeds Lauren a bite. She pretends to think it's delicious but her face looks like she's seconds away from projectile vomiting said salmon roll all over Gavin's face. Gavin asks how the dating scene has been treating her lately. She says she's met a lot of dudes that initially seem normal but turn out to be completely nutso. Gavin asks if that description applies to him. Lauren assures him that it doesn't. This date is so boring MTV doesn't even bother showing the awkward end-of-the-evening stuff. And The Hills loves them some awkward.

Lauren returns home to her apartment and immediately calls Brody. He teasingly says she's home awfully early for a date night. Lauren says Gavin was really nice, but they there just weren't any sparks. Brody's all like "hate to say I told you so" but he looooves it! Lauren asks what Brody's doing. He says he is just dropping Frankie off. (Sidebar: I love how we're supposed to believe none of this is staged. Like the camera crews just happen to ride around with Brody all day long.) Brody asks what Lauren's up to. She says nothing really, she's just going to watch a movie. Brody says he'll come watch the movie with her and asks what movie they are watching. Lauren says "like it matters". Booty call! I guess now they're not-so-secret fuckbuddies. Go Lauren!

Next Week: Lauren and Whitney hit the Big Apple and Spencer the Big Asshole tries to win back his BFF.