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15 November 2007 @ 10:26 am
Young Hollywood...Old Storylines  

OMG, I SERIOUSLY wanted to murder both Spencer and Justin Bobby after watching this episode! L to the AME. Anyway, the episode starts off with Whitney and Lauren meeting up with Head Bitch In Charge Lisa Love at the Church of Fashion to prep for Teen Vogue's annual "Young Hollywood Party". Lisa gives the girls props on how the venue turned out and assigns Lauren to running the fashion show backstage and Whit to "front of the house" duty, which by Lisa's own admission, sucks. Ms. Love then gives the girls her customary dunt-dunt-dunt warning about how important it is that the party be absolute perfection and that the fashion show MUST start on time, promptly at 9:00p.m., obviously "foreshadowing" problems to come later in the ep. I think Lisa Love would be a much more pleasant woman if she would just invest in some moisturizer and possibly a vibrator.

Meanwhile at Bolthouse, Stepford Barbie is sitting in her office staring blankly at the walls, when Kimberly aka "the new Elodie" brings in a giant flower arrangement Spencer has sent in honor of Heidi's 21st birthday. Heidi makes 2.4 million viewers throw up in their mouths when she reads super sweet (not to mention super fake) message on the card. Kim pretends to be enthused and invites Heidi out for a birthday lunch.

We cut over to Epic Records where Audrina lunches with her co-worker Chiara out on the veranda. Audrina tells Chiara she and Justin Bobby are going to see a band called The Ruse play at the Viper Room. Chiara inquires as to whether Audrina and JB are officially dating. Audrina says she doesn't know and shrugs it off. Audrina needs to get the word "welcome" tattooed across her forehead because she is OFFICIALLY the biggest doormat The Hills has ever seen.

At first, I suspected the purpose of the Kim-Heidi birthday lunch was to give Spencer yet another excuse to throw one of his signature tantrums when he showed up to "surprise" Heidi and discovered she wasn't there. But it turns out it was just an exposition to show how friendless and pathetic Heidi has become. Kim takes Heidi to the stupidly named restaurant, Food Court where they get shitfaced drinking wine and talk about Heidi's plans for her milestone birthday. Kim wonders if Heidi is going to have a big party with all her friends (oh, that's right she doesn't have any) and looks disconcerted when Heidi explains she wants to do something low-key with just her and Spencer. Um, Heidi, are you turning 21 or 81? BOR-ING!

At the Church of Fashion, Lauren and Whitney prep gift bags and discuss seating arrangements. The whole event seems sort of disorganized and skewed to create the kind of manufactured drama that fuels this show.

The YHP is about to start. The very unattractive PR director gives Whitney advice on how to seat the show, leaving her with the oh-so-comforting statement that she is going to need to seat like 400 celebrities and celebrity hanger-ons in fifteen minutes. Whitney's job would give me perpetual diarrhea. Hmmm…maybe that's why she's so skinny.

Whitney and Lauren talk about how to work their walkies, a staple of the fashion industry. Whitney seems dazed and confused and the whole party has a general air of clusterfuckness. Very stressful to watch. Lauren starts getting the models ready for the show and Lisa Love does a sweep of the red carpet. Speaking of the red carpet, who the fuck are these "celebrities" Teen Vogue invited to the YHP? With the exception of split-second footage of Emmy Rossum and Hayden Panettiere, I don't recognize a single face. Lauren and Whitney are way more "Young Hollywood" than the crowd of wannabes they are being forced to cater to. The red carpet is slooooow going, so Whitney decides to push the start time of the show back half an hour. Screw Lisa Love, what's the point of putting on a fashion show if nobody is there to watch it?

Over in a seedier section of Hollywood, Audrina and JB (looking like a pre-rehab Uncle Jesse in an 80's style leather jacket and his signature "dirty rocker" hair) cruise the Viper Room to check out The Ruse. The band rocks out and Audrina is impressed. She tells Justin Bobby that she is going to get a copy of their CD so she can take it to work. Aw, Audrina's trying to have a "big girl" career just like Heidi. I've never worked for a record label, but doesn't it seem that the dim-witted girl who answers phones part-time might not be the ultimate authority in determining which bands get signed? After the show Audrina goes up to the band, introduces herself and offers to pass their CD on to her A & R guy at Epic. The lead singer seems more interested in T & A than A & R and invites Audrina and JB to an after party.

Heidi's birthday dinner. OMG this is the most horrible thing I've ever subjected myself to watching and I Tivo I Love New York 2. It's awkward and not entertaining awkward like The British Office or Arrested Development. More like I-want-to-do-like-Oedipus-and-gouge-my-own-eyes-out-with-my-mother's-brooch-because-it's-just-that-terrible-to-watch awkward. Heidi coos over some fugly, yet expensive bag Spencer has bought for her birthday and then the silence falls…end scene, PLEASE!

At the YHP, the red carpet is still more backed up than Wilshire Blvd. at rush hour, so they decide to open up the church doors and usher the guests in. Pandemonium breaks loose and nobody seems to be where they are supposed to be. Lauren repeatedly tried to call Whitney on the walkie backstage to no avail. Whitney tries to seat people in the chaos. She's like a hostess on her first day at T.G.I. Friday's. Some producer spots a party crasher from "way back" and instructs Whitney to bounce him. Lauren gets exasperated and goes up front to find Whitney and see what the F is going on. Whitney tells Lauren they are a few minutes away from being ready to start the show. The PR lady gives Whitney the rare and elusive Teen Vogue kudos on a job well done. Whitney tries to get Lauren on the radio to give her the OK to start the show, but she can't make it work (Tim Gunn would be sooo disappointed). Lauren comes out again and Whitney gives her the thumbs up to go. But horror of horrors, Hillary Duff is not seated yet…the show must NOT go on. We cut to commercials as Lauren greenlights the models while Whitney frantically calls her over and over on the walkie.

Lauren gets Whitney's message just in time to hold off the start of the show so they can all wait for Hillary D to take her seat. Obnoxious! What has Hillary Duff even done lately? Besides that lame ass clothing line called "Duff Stuff" that they sell at Kmart or wherever. I didn't really think that was the Teen Vogue demographic. The show starts and it's much ado about nothing. The Marc Jacob collection is hideous and disappointing…kind of like the season of The Hills.

At The Ruse's after party, Audrina and JB party with the band. They all do a toast. Audrina orders something called a "Naughty School Girl" while JB swills a very pink, very girly martini-esque concoction. Shocking, I would have pegged JB for a beer drinker. Justin Bobby randomly says he'll be back and walks off…freak. One of the band members (who is like 30 million times cuter, cleaner, and more articulate than Justin Bobby could ever hope to be) starts flirting with Audrina and invites her and JB to the after-after party. I'm pretty sure Justin Bobby bounced out to the El Camino to hit the bong because when he rejoins the party, he's barely able to open his eyes and is slurring worse than David Hasselhoff after an entire case of Captain Morgan's. In another part of the bar band guy tells his friend he's into Audrina and thinks she's "feeling it" too, but he doesn't know what the deal with her and JB is. Band guy decides to flat out ask JB if he and Audrina are together. JB just keeps running his hands through his hair and saying "she's pretty good" and "she's a good girl". Dude, WTF does that even mean? Eventually Audrina drags JB's drunk ass home.

Back at the YHP, the fashion show is over and both Lisa Love and Amy Astley thought it turned out fabulously (in spite of the heniousness of the actual clothes). They thought the fashion show element really worked and are now going to incorporate it into the YHP party each year with a different designer. I guess all the backstage "drama" was just as fake as Heidi and Jen Bunney's "friendship".

On the walk home (I guess I was wrong about the El Camino…definitely not wrong about the bong though) Justin Bobby teases Audrina about they guy from the band having a crush on her and she reminds him "I left with you". In true JB philosophical form, JB explains "that's why we're so good together". Come again? I guess it is a pretty sweet deal for JB. He escapes the dreaded boyfriend "label" and does pretty much whatever the hell he wants while Audrina follows him around like a fucking groupie. You're DUMB Audrina. You're getting what you deserve.

Heidi and Spencer continue their fun-filled celebration of Heidi's birthday. Heidi transparently tries to convince herself that she likes that things are so "calm" and "settled" in their lives. Yeah, who needs friends when you have Spencer? Ain't social ostracization a btich?

Post-party, Whitney and Lauren walk to their cars, relieved to have successfully pulled off another YHP without incurring the wrath of Lisa Love.

More boring footage of Heidi and Spencer. The camera angle literally makes Spencer's neck completely disappear, giving him the appearance of a life-sized bobble-head. Man, this kid doesn't so much make love to the camera as brutally rape it. Ick! And you thought that movie where Tyra Banks was a doll come to life was scary! Bobble-head texts away while Heidi leans on the couch with a bored/vacant expression. A bobble-head and a Barbie, a match made in plastic heaven. Seriously people, studying for the LSAT was more fun than this "party". Five more episodes to go…

Next Week: Lauren v. Heidi, Round 2. Justin Bobby manages to look even dirtier and act even douchier. Good times!