"pay no attention to the man behind the curtain", the wizard, he has been exposed. And while I do not have the time nor the inclination to correlate characters from The Hills to those from The Wizard of Oz, I do feel obligated to point out that Justin Bobby would definitely be a flying monkey. This show isn't even pretending to be a reality show anymore. All the scenes are as contrived, awkward, and forced as the confrontations on Tyra's show. Not America's Next Top Model…the other Tyra show. The one where she aspires to be like Oprah but just ends up engaging in pajama parties and "striking back" at the paparazzi by putting on a swimsuit and telling people to "kiss [her] fat ass". Whatever. The tabloids have been calling Oprah fat for the last 20 years and she doesn't care. Because she's fucking Oprah. An you Miss Tyra, are no Oprah. Does anyone get the feeling that Oprah not-so-secretly dislikes Tyra or is at least severely embarrassed for/by her? Do you see how unwatchable The Hills has become, forcing me to go on a ten-mile tangent about Tyra Banks? Fuck you MTV! Now on with the recap.
The episode starts off with Lisa Love entering Whitney/Lauren's office/closet and informing the girls that she needs them to cover Norman Lear's "Declare Yourself" event for Teen Vogue. Lauren and Whit immediately hop online to dig up some deets for the event and discover Brent Bolthouse is on the advisory board. Whitney wonders if Heidi will be there. Lauren worriedly says she doesn't know. Whitney tries to cheer Lauren up by saying if Heidi is there, they will deal with it accordingly. I think the protocol would be to simply ignore Heidi, but as we saw at Les Deux and Ketchup earlier this season, the Heidster does not take well to being ignored.
Meanwhile at Bolthouse, Heidi and Kimberly are chatting it up in the break room. Heidi is desperate to cling to any remnant of a friend she can find and suggests she and Kim hit the "Declare Yourself" event together.
The DYE. Footage of the red carpet and celebs followed by a scene of Lauren and Whitney entering the party through what appears to be some sort of reserved-for-The Hills-cast side entrance. The girls talk about how excited they are to attend the party and not have to work. Huh? I thought they were "covering" the event for Teen Vogue? I guess that just means they just have to show their faces and get sloshed on their Whitney's expense account. No fair! I want a job that requires schmoozing.
A few minutes later Heidi and Kimberly walk in the very same special side entrance having the very same special conversation as Lauren and Whitney. Wow. Clearly The Hills has been affected by the WGA strike.
Lauren and Whitney gets drinks from the practically empty bar and make the executive decision to venture outside and see where the party's at, yo. Whitney asks Lauren why Audrina didn't come. Lauren tells her they only got two tickets to this tres in-demand party and Audrina was out on a date with Justin Douchebag, I mean Justin Bobby, anyway.
Speaking of douchebags, cut to a shot of Justin and Audrina riding around town on his motorcycle. They go to a bar where JB immediately lays his head down on the table. JB's really in fine form tonight. He looks dirtier and more Cro-Magnon than ever. Maybe he has an audition for Encino Man II. Justin seems frustrated that despite his lack of showers ALL SEASON LONG, his hair is just refusing to form into dreadlocks. Audrina suggests using product to make it dread, but he dismisses the idea and condescendingly tells her "that would defeat the whole purpose". They then get into a mini-argument about Justin calling Audrina. She asks if he left a message and he's all put out and "dude, if I say I called you, I called you". Audrina changes the subject and starts telling Justin Bobby about her promotion at work but he interrupts her with a symphony of belches. It's like he doesn't even speak English anymore, only Belchenese. JB then lies his head down on the bar again. What the fuck is wrong with this guy? Why is he SO lethargic? Does he have narcolepsy? Is he always on the verge of slipping into a drug-induced coma? And on to the the real mystery, why the fuck does Audrina thinks he's so great? And don't try to tell me it's because the sex must be amazing. If that fool can't keep his head up in the bar, I seriously doubt he can keep his dick up in the bedroom. Loser.
Back at the DYE Heidi spies Lauren and gives Kim the Cliff's Notes version of their falling out. Whitney and Lauren can feel themselves being pulled in by Heidi's tractor beams, and Whitney asks if it's awkward. Um, yes! Heidi decides to just approach Lauren and Whitney's table and drags Kim over to say hello. Lauren stares at Heidi incredulously while Kim and Whitney try to make nice with each other in the horribly uncomfortable situation. Heidi acts like Lauren is an old friend from high school she just happened to see and wants to know how she's doing. Are you fucking kidding me? Lauren (in a justifiably bitchy tone) tells her "If you want to apologize to me I'll talk to you". Heidi responds with her standard response to everything in life and says she "didn't do anything". Whatevs. After that shit you pulled at Ketchup with the "movie making action" comments. Fuck you, Heidi! Lauren tells Heidi that having her boyfriend do her dirty work doesn’t make her innocent. Lauren continues to berate Heidi about the sex tape scandal and subsequent "meat curtains" comments while Heidi's only defense is that she "had nothing to do with anything [Lauren] has done with her ex-boyfriend.". It's a little sickening to watch actually. Lauren tells Heidi she's a bad person. Heidi continues to proclaim her innocence. Lauren gives her a withering look and Heidi and Kimberly take off. Game over. Heidi, you lose.
Back at Hillside Villas, Lauren recaps the drama with Heidi for Audrina. Lauren says that even if Heidi herself wasn't responsible for the sex tape rumors, the fact that she would stand idly by why Spencer tried to drag Lauren through the mud makes her guilty by association. Lauren doesn't know how Heidi can be "in love" with Spencer when he's proven himself to be such a monster. Audrina talks about how she misses the old, fun, pre-plastic surgery (Season 1) Heidi. Oh we all do, Audrina, trust. This show would be so much better if Spencer Pratt had only been a one episode blip. Audrina then tells Lauren how excited she is about her new job and that it entails her going to the Jimmy Kimmel show to see Sean Kingston perform.
At the Jimmy Kimmel show, Audrina and her co-worker Chiara swoon while a rather chunky Sean Kingston does his sound check. Audrina tells Chiara that she is supposed to hang with JB that night, but she's not sure she'll have time. She contemplates having him stop by (bad idea!) but Chiara shuts her down, reminding her it wouldn't be appropriate because Audrina is working.
At Teen Vogue, Lauren and Whitney are still in shock over the confrontation at the DYE. Lauren looks at her computer screen and is all "Seriously?" Seriously?". Whitney asks WTF is going on but Lauren ignores her. Turns out Heidi is now harassing Lauren via IM citing that old The Hills classic "we need to talk". Lauren asks what Heidi wants. Heidi, who is looking all Dr. Evil sitting in her apartment with her laptop types that she wants to put everything behind them. Lauren tells Heidi to come over to her apartment. Whitney is like "Lauren, talk to me". Lauren finally tells her about the IMs and Whitney says it's best to just get it over with.
Back at the Jimmy Kimmel show, Audrina and Chiara hang backstage while Sean Kingston signs autographs and teaches them how to speak "hood". Audrina and Chiara leave all high on life from their night of hanging out with a famous musician. Audrian wants to call Justin Bobby but Chiara awesomely convinces her to blow him off.
Over at Chez Speidi, Spencer tells Heidi he was just reading an "iChat" on his computer. Seriously? An "iChat"? Who calls it that? Everyone just says they were IMing. Just another in the long lists of reasons why Spencer Pratt is a douche. Spencer continues that "unless hell is freezing over, it's pretty much the craziest iChat he's ever read". Heidi says that she ran into Lauren at the DYE and lies that she tried to apologize (um, Heidi? There is video footage that sort of shows the exact opposite of that happening) but Lauren shut her out. Heidi thinks her and Lauren were too good of friends for too long to just never speak again and thinks life is too short for all this anger and hatred. Spencer, who thrives on both anger and hatred, just has this look on his face like "does not compute". Might want to quit those acting lessons, Spence, they aren't working.
Meanwhile at Epic Records, Chiara brings Audrina a really cute yellow and purple flower arrangement. At first I was scared they were starting a "redemption arc" for Justin Bobby, but it turns out the flowers were actually a little thank you gesture from one Mr. Sean Kingston. Chiara congratulates Audrina on a job well done. Audrina basks in the glow of having a real job, with her very own cubicle.
At Hillside Villas, Heidi walks up, carrying flowers and knocks on the door. Lauren lets her in, begrudgingly taking the flowers and sort of tossing them aside. Heidi makes a few insincere sounding comments about how great the apartment looks. Lauren just stares her down.
Heidi apologized for the incident at the DYE and says she's been very frustrated with all the gossip and rumors and assures Lauren she wasn't behind any of it. Lauren cuts her off, asking ig Spencer was behind them because we all KNOW he was. Heidi unconvincingly says she doesn't know. Lauren accuses Heidi of lying. Heidi tries to apologize on Spencer's behalf and says she can't control Spencer. Lauren basically tells Heidi that Heidi knows is was Spencer but she's just in denial because she loves Spencer and has deluded herself into believing he is a good person. Girlfriend's got some big ass blinders on. Heidi actually defends Spencer, saying he is not a bad person. Lauren says she wishes Heidi could know how traumatic the whole ordeal was for her. Heidi insists she had no idea.
Bitch, please! That shit was ALL OVER the tabloids! I think my 11-year-old cousin knew about it, so I don't know how Spencer's "fiancee" could remain so blissfully unware. Lauren tells Heidi "sometimes whether you did something or you did nothing, it's just as bad". Heidi reiterates that she can't control Spencer. Lauren asks "how you can hate someone so much that you literally want to make them wish they were dead?" Okay, Lauren, I love you, but that was a bit dramatic. You have a pretty charmed life, don't let a twatface like Spencer Pratt take you out! Unbelievably, Heidi says that Spencer doesn't hate Lauren. Yeah, and the world doesn't hate Spencer. Lauren looks at Heidi like she just told her she was six months pregnant with the Messiah.
Lauren points out that Spencer went out of his way to make sure those sex tape rumors were as pervasive as Ryan Seacrest (whom you literally cannot escape) and that Heidi still wants to marry and spend the rest of her life with that asshole. Heidi says she loves Spencer even though he isn't an angel, but she didn't come there to fight. Heidi apologizes for everything that happened. Lauren tells Heidi she appreciates that it was difficult for her to apologize. Her emotions are palpable as Lauren then says, "The only thing to do is forgive and forget. So I really do. I want to forgive you. And I want to forget you.". Proving my suspicion she is now a full-on animatron, Heidi, showing zero emotion just gets up, tells Lauren to have a great life, and walks out the door. Maybe when her 15 minutes of fame are up, Heidi can get a job on the Pirates of the Carribean ride at Disneyland. She'd make a great wench.
Next Week: Whitney has a date with Lauren's trainer and Spencer and Heidi have a date with destiny…and doom!