Heidi tells Spencer it's time to get serious and set a date for their wedding but Spencer would prefer to elope. Heidi tells Spencer that it's a non-negotiable that the wedding will be in a church and says she's thought guys didn't care. Spencer confirms that he, in fact, does not give two shits about their wedding (great foundation for a lasting marriage), so Heidi suggests that he let her handle all the details and all he has to do is walk down the aisle. Spencer gripes and moans, Heidi snipes back. I wish MTV would give these two a-holes their own spin-off, so I wouldn't have to suffer through their scenes on The Hills.
In a much healthier a.m. ritual, Lauren, Audrina, and Whitney feel the burn with their shared personal trainer, Jarrett. Lauren mentions an outing that night to Big Wang's, the sports bar she and Audrina hit up when they "don't feel like going out". I thought that was what "Blockbuster nights" were for…but whatever. Whit immediately invites Jarrett to tag along…game on!
The girls stop at Elixir for a post-workout smoothie and a pre-Big Wang's summit. Whitney says Jarrett is nice and tries to play it cool, but you can tell she's pretty excited. Audrina and Lauren smile excitedly. Whitney says they should all get ready together (because it's always good to get a second (and third) opinion on hair, make-up, and wardrobe, especially before a first date). Lauren is happy that Whitney is getting back in the game.
Heidi and Spencer go to check out Westminster Pres as a possible locale for their obviously-never-to-occur nuptials. Spencer is wearing a 7-up can green t-shirt that says "respect" in large white letters. Is that like a note to self or something? Because none of Spencer's actions on this show or in the general media have ever suggested he has any clue what that word even means. They walk in the church to meet with the pastor and I'm surprised as hell when Spencer does not immediately burst into a ball of flames (being the son of Satan and all). As Heidi and the pastor discuss all the details that need to be coordinated for a wedding, Spencer looks increasingly uncomfortable. After the pastor leaves, Heidi tells a clammy/sweaty-looking Spencer she loves the church. Spencer notes "it's a great church" through gritted teeth. I think he's seconds away from a 360 degree head rotation and projectile vomiting pea soup. The power of Christ compels you!
At Hillside Villas, the Lauren, Whitney, and Audrina get ready for their big night at Big Wang's. Audrina is the only one who really looks appropriately dressed for a sports bar in a grey puffy-sleeves top and jeans. Lauren looks cute, but more befitting for somewhere like Les Deux, and Whitney is primed a ready to make her debut on www.gofugyourself.com in a pink lingerie-inspired slip dress with moccasin-style boots and a black shrug. I'm not really sure what's going on with Whit's outfit, but I am pretty sure she got a stern talking-to from one Ms. Lisa Love after this episode aired. The girls arrive at the bar and clink their glasses to a fun night. Jarrett arrives with hair that has miraculously grown approximately two and a half inches since their training session which was allegedly earlier that day. Oh The Hills, you're like an abusive boyfriend. You slap me in the face and insult my intelligence, yet I just keep coming back for more. Jarrett and Whitney shoot pool and flirt while Lauren and Audrina look on like giggly school girls. Jarrett invites Whitney to do a one-on-one training session that will "really kick [Whitney's] ass" to which Whitney not-at-all desperately replies "When? I can do it ASAP". Way to keep the mystery alive, Whit. They agree to meet at Runyon Canyon at 10:00 the next morning.
The next day, Whitney (in truly hideous striped orange pants-what is up with her wardrobe this episode?) and Jarrett work up a sweat hiking in Runyon Canyon. When they reach the top of the trail, Jarrett makes Whitney do like three jumping jacks. If that's his idea of an ass-kicking workout, he's not a very good personal trainer. They marvel at the smog-ridden view of Los Angeles and make small talk about how awesome it is that Jarrett gets to wear shorts and a t-shirt for work. Jarrett awkwardly segues into asking Whitney out for drinks and she accepts. Jarrett smiles and dorkily declares "it's a date". Then they get up to make their way back down the mountain. Maybe I spoke too soon about Jarrett's training techniques because Whit's limping downhill like she was just gang-raped…anally.
At the Pratt-Montag residence, Heidi looks through a stack of bridal magazines while her loathsome finance openly mocks here for buying them. Spencer seems like he really just does not want to get married and Heidi just seems oblivious…to everything.
At the Teen Vogue office, Whitney fills in Lauren on the training session and her upcoming date with Jarret. Lauren is more excited than a ten-year-old at a Hannah Montana concert, but Whitney takes a more mellow Justin-Bobby approach and just wants to see where things go. Because "truth and time tells all".
Jarrett and Whitney go for dinner at LA Cantina. Whitney is finally rocking one of her signature cute outfits wearing skinny jeans and champagne one-shoulder top. Either Jarrett went to the barber or this scene is about 2 months old because his previously sort of faux-hawkish do' has been replaced with the George Clooney ceasar circa 1997 (which I feel obligated to remind Jarrett that even the Cloon himself could not pull off). Whitney tells Jarrett she is not really into the whole Hollywood scene, save for an occasional night of dancing with the girls. Jarrett make her promise to go dancing later. Whitney just giggles. Then Jarrett busts out the lamest line of ALL time and asks Whitney what her sign is. Whitney asks Jarrett if he's considering changing his name to Monterey Jack because that line was chee-sy. Not really, but that's what I would have done. Whitney changes the subject and asks Jarrett what his dream in L.A. is. Jarrett says it's personal training and he's basically living the dream. Jarrett nonsensically explains that he's from New York so he's always on the hustle. Um, coming from a guy who lives in or around the West Hollywood area, that statement could have disastrous implications, ones that involve illicit blowjobs in the bathroom at Hamburger Mary's. Jarrett goes on to say he just got out of a relationship so he just wants to have some fun. Whitney echoes this sentiment saying she doesn't want to be attached to anybody. I smell a booty call…
Heidi returns from a hard day's work at Bolthouse to find Spencer sitting on the couch (cause that's what Spencer does) with two suitcases packed. He asks her how work was. She tells him it was long and tiring. Spencer assures Heidi she can sleep in the car…on the way to Vegas…because they're going there to get married…tonight! Sweet, sweet Spencer was even thoughtful enough to rent the honeymoon suite. Surprise! Heidi asks if he already paid for the trip and says she hopes he' joking. Spencer gets his Patrick Bateman face on as Heidi tells him she's told him over and over that she doesn't want to elope. Spencer psychotically says that friends and family are "just distractions" and the wedding should be about just the two of them. Whatever, I have a hard time believing an attention whore like Spencer would ever shy away from an event that would bring him any publicity. Especially one that could warrant a 5-page spread in In Touch, since pre-orchestrated paparazzi pictures are Spencer's bread and butter. Heidi is pissed that Spencer has continually disregarded her feelings about their wedding. She tells him it isn't "Spencer's relationship" and her opinion counts too and all the "surprises" has gots to go! Spencer says planning a wedding is a hassle (which by the way is an invalid excuse since in the first scene of the episode Heidi volunteered to hand le all of the planning). Heidi says if she's too much of a hassle, then maybe they shouldn't get married and sets her Cracker Jacks box "engagement" ring down on the stack of wedding magazines. Spencer tries to look contemplative and turns the ring over in his fingers a few times before putting it in his pocket, grabbing his suitcase and heading out the door. Hopefully he'll get mowed down by a Big Blue Bus and we'll never have to see his ugly mug again.
The next day at Bolthouse, the MTV producers give Kim $5,000 to pretend that she gives a fuck about Heidi's life and prompt her to stop by Heidi's office for a quick little chat. Heidi says she's been "hiding out" because she and Spencer had a HUGE fight about the wedding and he walked out and she doesn't even know where he went. She wonders how they can figure out their lives together when they can't even figure out a fight. Maybe you shouldn't be getting married then, dumbshit!
Also discussing the previous night's events are Lauren and Whitney who meet up at a café for a post-mortem on the Jarrett date. Whitney says it was fun and comfortable but she's feeling more of a friend vibe (because Whitney is a nice girl that doesn't sleep around with manwhore/hustlers like Jarrett) and there was no good-night kiss. Lauren gives Whitney pointers on how to go left to avoid the unwanted kiss without seeming awkward. Lauren lies. If a guy tries to kiss you and you block him, no matter how gracefully you avoid it, it's ALWAYS awkward.
At Chez Speidi, a downtrodden Heidi moves about in the kitchen apparently cooking dinner or something. Spencer comes in carrying a dozen roses. Heidi asks him where the hell he was last night and he tells her he spent the night at his parents' house. You mean the parents that don't know you're marrying Heidi? Spencer asks if they can call a truce. Heidi takes a page from her ex-BFF Lauren's books and says she'll talk to him if he apologizes. Spencer says he respects what Heidi wants for their wedding and will do whatever it takes to make her happy. Heidi still can't believe Spencer walked out on their first big fight but says she accepts his apology. Spencer puts his fake-ass ring back on his fake-ass fiance's finger and the two unconvincingly embrace. They can't even bring themselves to kiss…not even for The Hills cameras. But then again, I don't really think anyone wants to see that sight.
Next Week: Spencer has a sister(!) who is even more of a shit-stirring bitch than he is and Audrina FINALLY kicks Justin Bobby's unkempt ass to the curb and back to the gutter where he came from.