She was out at a new club the previous night and noticed she getting stared down by a couple of girls. One of the girls came up and introduced herself as Stephanie Pratt, as in Spencer's sister. Lauren's eyes bug out of her head like a cartoon character on crystal meth and she tells Audrina she's met Stephanie before and she's "a loony". Audrina proves Lauren's point by continuing that Stephanie called her a "fucking bitch" and concluded their brief conversation by stating that Audrina and Lauren are "done". Hee! Delusional bitches who honestly believe they have the power to do things like "finish" people are SO entertaining. Audrina slightly sympathetically notes that Stephanie kind of looks like Spencer, poor girl. Lauren hilariously refers to her as a "she-Pratt" as she contemplates that while Spencer couldn't hit a girl (though I wouldn't put it past him), the she-Pratt could. If I were Lauren, I wouldn't be so worried, the Pratt family's only weapon is their big, ugly mouths (and enormous veneered chompers). If push came to shove, Spencer and his sister would both go down like 10 pound sacks of potatoes.
At Heidi and Spencer's apartment, Stephanie pops by for an impromptu visit. Heidi and Spencer get into a TOTALLY staged argument about how one of them forgot to pay the electric bill…for six months. Um, hello, MTV? If you don't pay your bills, So Cal Edison will cut your ass off after like two months, not six. Nice try, though! Stephanie stupidly says that Heidi and Spencer's bickering shows how utterly and completely in love they are. WTF? The only person Spencer is utterly and completely in love with is himself. Heidi starts blabbing about the wedding again and Stephanie's like "Yay, Tibet". Heidi sort of rolls her eyes and says she doesn't want to get married in Tibet, clearly apprehensive about being double-teamed by Spencer and his sister. Stephanie announces that she wants to get married in Croatia and Spencer makes some annoying self-congratulatory comment about how the Pratts know what's hot and international weddings are where it's at. Please stop talking you motherfucking tool, I hate you! Heidi maintains that she wants a traditional wedding, in a church, with a minister. Stephanie cuts Heidi off to explain that she got ordained on the internet and can preside over Heidi and Spencer's wedding! Heidi looks momentarily terrified before declining Stephanie's offer.
Lauren and Audrina chill at the Hillside Villas trying to figure out what to do that night. Because NOT going out, even one night a week is just unacceptable. As evidenced in last week's ep, they even have a place to go out when they don't feel like going out. They ponder meeting up with Frankie and Brody at Hollywood hotspot, Opera. I wonder if said club so named because of all the DRAMA that goes down there? Speaking of drama, Audrina stresses over the fact that Justin Bobby hasn't called her back yet. She complains to Lauren about how JB blatantly checks out every girl that walks by when they are out in the clubs and laments he's a totally different person when they are alone together. To me, that is almost more of a red flag than if he's just a dick all the time. Lauren teases that if Audrina and JB were hermits, they'd have the perfect relationship.
At Opera, Lauren, Audrina, and JB sit at a table sipping their drinks. O.M.G. I must take a moment to comment on JB's outfit. He's wearing a dirty looking t-shirt topped off with some sort of linen pashmina(?)/scarf(?)/shroud from the temple of Jerusalem(?) draped around his head. No…just no. We meet our second fashion victim of the evening when "gangsta fresh" Brody heads over to the table with Frankie in tow. Brody spots Stephanie and Lauren looks alarmed. Stephanie acts the fool, approaching the table with her friend Roxy and loudly saying Brody is on "the evil side" and needs to come home with them. Roxy really skeeves me out. She's like an anorexic version of Kim Kardashian and looks like she'd seriously turn tricks for a BLT. Stephanie and Roxy start yelling at Lauren telling her to leave Heidi alone. Lauren plays it classy, calmly saying that she hasn't done anything to Heidi and that Stephanie and Roxy don't know anything about Lauren or what happened. Stephanie retorts that Heidi is family now, so it's her problem too and that Lauren hates Spencer and that makes Stephanie hate Lauren. Then hate me too bitch, because your brother is a fucking twat! Bring it on, and I won't take the high road like Lauren, I'll go Crenshaw on your ass! Lauren maintains that whatever happened between Spencer and Lauren and Heidi and Lauren is not her business, so she really needs to just shut the fuck up. OK, I added that last bit, but somebody had to say it! Brody steps in to defend Lauren and Stephanie finally runs out of bullshit to spew. As Stephanie and Roxy flounce off, Audrina laughs that they remind her of Cinderella's stepsisters. If that's the best she can come up with, Audrina seriously needs to step up her bitch game.
Meanwhile, JB, who has been scanning Opera for the goods gets up to talk to some sort of pudgy gothic redhead chick leaving Audrina at the table without so much as a word. I guess his bad manners aren't just confined to his constant belching. Brody's like "What's Justin's deal?" Audrina strains to see WTF is going on when Lauren says "Did he just kiss her?" Unfortunately, this incident is like the one thing The Hills cameras didn't catch. However, given Justin Bobby's general douchiness, this behavior wouldn't surprise me in the least.
Lauren and Audrina get up and go outside. Audrina says she never wants to speak to Justin Bobby again…but we've all heard that before…like 4,000 times before. JB comes out wearing his head shroud acting all weird and Michael Jacksonesque, putting his hands up in front of his face as if to shield his eyes from the glare of papparrazi bulbs that aren't really there. He's with Gothic Redhead and tries to walk by Audrina like she doesn't exists. But even Audrina will not suffer such an indignity and she grabs him. JB pulls away, so Audrina unleashes her rage on Gothic Readhead who denies anything happened. JB watches from a few feet away smoking a cigarette and giggling like he just came up with the best dirty Mad Libs ever. Audrina is pissed that JB finds the whole situation so amusing and Lauren and Audrina start walking to the parking lot. JB drunkenly asks Audrina if it's over. Lauren and Audrina walk to the car as Audrina cries and says she had to see JB's cheating firsthand to believe it. Lauren comforts her, saying she knows it's hard but JB is "not worth it". Word and a half. JB catches up to the girls and Audrina starts screaming at him. Brody and Frankie look over all "what is going on?"
JB takes Audrina to a dumpster laden corner of the parking lot for a romantic heart-to-heart chat. On second thought, given his appearance, it's entirely possible that Dumpster Alley is the place Justin Bobby calls home. Brody wonders if they should just leave and Lauren is like "Excuse, me I am not going to leave my roommate/BFF behind a dumpster". Guys. JB and Audrina continue to argue. JB asks what Audrina wants from him. She doesn't really have to balls to come out like Avril Lavigne and say "Hey! Hey! You! You! I want to be your girlfriend!" so instead she just hints around saying she wants him to call her and ask her out on dates and stuff. I hate how after months or even years of quasi-dating and sexual interaction guys still make you feel like you're a total psycho for daring to want more. JB wonders if they are really going to break-up and just be friends (since this is presumably a line he has heard many, many times before). Audrina says if they break up she can't continue to see JB at all. She starts crying and he gives her a hug. JB then proves he's an asshole of Pratt-like proportions and plays the emotional blackmail card, slurring to Audrina that if she doesn't get in the car, he'll walk away. Ugh. Much to Lauren's (and my) horror, Audrina actually gets in the car! I think you have a little something on your top there Audrina…oh, it's just the skidmarks from Justin Bobby wiping his ass with you.
Stephanie comes by Spencer and Heidi's apartment all invigorated from her dramatastic evening at Opera. Stephanie breaks down the confrontation with Lauren and Brody like it was a scene right out of Dangerous Minds, when in reality, it was much more akin to something from of White Chicks. Stephanie also relishes in talking aobut how JB made out with Gothic Redhead right in front of Audrina and he seemed like the nicest one of the bunch. This chick is a textbook example of "dumb bitch". I want to stab her eyeballs with bamboo shoots. Spencer, to whom drama and gossip are practically porn, looks like he's about to blow a load in his pants. Heidi looks uncomfortable and says she wants to change the subject. Spencer and Stephanie's parents should be arrested/deported/imprisoned for conceiving those two. Crimes against humanity and all…
Over at Epic Records, Audrina recounts the events at Opera to a slack-jawed Chiara. Audrina tells Chiara she thinks JB made out with Gothic Redhead because he thought she had already left and she's sure he hooks up with all sorts of girls when Audrina isn't around. Chiara asks what happened after Audrina caught JB mid-make-out and she explains that they dropped his drunk, drunk ass off at his apartment and nobody spoke to him on the drive home. Burn, especially for an ostenatious chatterbox like JB. Apparently, JB thought he could get some make-up sex and asked Audrina to come inside but she refused saying she was done (for reals this time,y'all!) Chiara clichés that it was the straw that broke the dysfunctional relationship's back. Audrina pathetically says she still needs to see JB one last time though, to "end it for good".
"Low Rider" plays in the background (well at least in the background of my mind) as JB pulls the El Camino up to Hillside Villas. Even though he's a tad "bohemian mafia" with his slicked back hair, scarf and Banana Republic pea coat, JB looks about 1,000 better and far more hygienic than we've ever seen. Audrina lets JB in and AWKWARD small talk ensues before Audrina finally cuts to the chase and says she feels like she needs to move on. JB lies that he didn't kiss the girl and is irritated that Audrina would believe her friends over the pillar of honesty and virtue that is Justin Bobby. Audrina shoots back that she SAW him kissing Gothic Redhead and finally says she just feels like their situation is hopeless. Justin Bobby just sits there like a pile of log fungus before finally getting up to leave. Audrina cries on the couch while Justin Bobby peels out of the Hillside Villas entranceway. I guess truth and time really DO tell all, Justin Bobby, and they just said you're a giant douchebag. Oh and a dumbass. Bye-eee!
Next Week: Spencer's sister turns her talons on Heidi and Audrina finds getting over Justin Bobby is easy with the help of a hottie from down under.