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04 December 2007 @ 05:01 pm
Once a Player...Never a Prince  

they are on a date while maintaining the guise that they are "just friends". Brody grates some fresh Parmesan (and my nerves) when he tells Lauren her eyes look "very beautiful". She thanks him and he continues that they look blue. Lauren tells him they are blue which leads to a really uninteresting conversation about the specifics of Lauren's ocular sockets. Brody asks if Lauren has seen much of Jen Bunney lately. Awww, someone decided to throw the other JB a bone. I wonder how many producers she had to sleep with to get an on-air mention. Lauren teases that the Bunney will be attending Lauren and Audrina's Halloween party that very night, so Brody can hang out with her. Brody looks rightfully embarrassed and distracts himself by checking out all the women walking by his and Lauren's sidewalk cafe table. Lauren half-jokingly gives him shit about his roving eye and Brody half-assedly apologizes for acting like such a cad.

At the Teen Vogue Intern Closet/Office, Lauren and Whitney discuss the impending Halloween party including the fact that Audrina is inviting a few male friends and her new crush. Frankly, I'm a little nervous about the unveiling of Audrina's new love interest, given the pieces of shit she's dated on this show in the past, but maybe she'll get it right this time. Whitney asks if Lauren and Brody are going to do a couples' costume. Lauren dryly observes that Brody would do a couples' costume with Frankie before he ever did one with her. The girls crack themselves up by throwing out lame and dated costume suggestions like Dumb and Dumber or the guys from Night at the fucking Roxbury. Damn, for people employed by a fashion mag, these two aren't very current sometimes. Whitney probes some more, asking Lauren what the deal between her and Brody is. Lauren says she likes spending time with Brody and finds him attractive but knows that he "likes his ladies" (i.e. Brody is a man-whore). Whitney states that Lauren doesn't need to be just one of many ladies but does note the chemistry between Brody and Lauren is sort of undeniable. In response, Lauren merely looks sad and lets out a big sigh.

Meanwhile, Heidi invites her soon-to-be sister-in-law/all-around hateable bitch Stephanie Pratt over for a heart-to-heart about Spencer. Heidi (again) rehashes the fight she and Spencer had about eloping where he walked out on her. (Personally, I'd be glad for the opportunity to escape Sepncer's clutches, but then again, I'd NEVER date a douchebag like Spencer Pratt to begin with). Stephanie is faux-surprised and says that doesn't sound like sweet, perfect, angelic Spencer at all. Heidi says the stress of planning the wedding is tearing them apart. Could be the stress of the wedding or it could be the fact that Heidi is finally starting to realize she sold-out everyone and everything she ever cared about in order to marry a petulant, immature, diabolical douchebag? Heidi thinks maybe they should postpone the wedding and says there is no harm in waiting a bit before rushing into anything. She asks Stephanie to please not say anything to Spencer, but she's a Pratt and therefore physically incapable of keeping her big ass mouth shut, so Spencer is as good as told. Heidi should have just went ahead and ordered a candy-gram.

The Halloween party at Hillside Villas is in full swing. Frankie and Brody (with a newly shorn head) arrive dressed as Batman and Robin respectively. And not the George Clooney/Chris O'Donnel style costumes either. The old sexually ambiguous Adam West variety. HOt. Frankie and Brody argue like the old metro-couple they are while Lauren (looking very pretty in her vampy flapper costume) stands by and giggles. Whitney, in an adorable ladybug costume, says Brody and Frankie look "more like Siegfried and Roy" than any other dynamic duo. I think they should have gone as Speidi. Jen Bunney tries hard to make the most of her 5 seconds of camera time while Audrina chokes from the fumes emitting from the smoke machine. Lauren turns the machine off just as Audrina's new man, Corey arrives. Corey is dressed as a sailor, and even with a lip ring so huge it could have anchored the Titanic, he's pretty freaking cute. 25 bonus points for the sexy Australian accent. Audrina introduces her new prospect to Lauren (who happily beams at him) and Brody. Even in his few seconds of interacting with Audrina's friends, Corey is about 17 million times more charming and likeable than JB could ever hope to be. Brody suddenly tells Lauren he has to leave for another party. She hugs him and asks if he has to go right now. He answers by way off taking off with Frankie in tow. Lauren sips her drink and looks forlorn. This might be the worst. Episode. Ever.

The morning after the party, Audrina and Lauren meet up in the kitchen to rehash the previous night's events. Audrina exclaims that their apartment is such a mess, even though the place looks like Molly Maid got finished with it about 3 minutes prior to shooting. Audrina throws salt in Lauren's hungover wounds by mentioning how early Brody and Frankie left. Lauren tries to shrug it off and mentions how much everybody liked Corey. Audrina beams that she is very excited about her upcoming date with him. Lauren points out that Corey made an effort with Audrina's friends, which shows he cares about her. Lauren approves.

In another part of town, the Pratt Pack heads to the stationary store to pick up the "Save the Date" cards for the allegedly upcoming Speidi nuptials. Spencer gives Steph a run down of all the stuff he and Heidi have been planning and says at first it was stressful, but he finally feels like it's under control. Stephanie takes this as her cue to betray Heidi's trust and tell Spencer Heidi isn't even sure if she wants to get married right now. Bitch. Face. Ever the drama queen, Spencer runs out of the store, saying he may no longer need the cards since there might not be a wedding after all and he needs to speak to his fiancee-immediately! Fuck, Spencer is such a Midol commercial.

Corey takes Audrina on a real date (something I'm pretty sure she never experienced with Justin Bobby…pool halls and all). I can't tell if the venue is a bar, a club, or a restaurant but who cares? Corey wins me over with his cute face, cute accent and really cute habit of NOT burping his way through the evening. Audrina's conversational skills leave something to be desired but Corey doesn't seem to mind and suggest going home after dinner…for some "dessert"? You go, Audrina! And I bet Corey smells soooooo much better than Justin Bobby!

Lauren and Lo chow and chat with a power catch-up at Pan y Vino, the controversial site of Lauren and Jason's first post-Laguna reunion. Lo hilariously refers to herself as a "loserface" while apologizing for having to miss the Halloween party due to a mid-term. Lo is the only thing that puts the "real" in this so-called "reality" show. Less ho's! More Lo! Lauren tells Lo about the party and explains that Brody and Frankie bailed early and it really bummed her out. Lo asks why Lauren was so bothered and Lauren admits she doesn't really know. Lo thinks that Lauren likes Brody as more than a friend and perhaps the feeling is mutual, but Brody's just waiting for Lauren to say something. Lauren admits that she does like Brody, but knows that Brody likes everyone and isn't up for getting her heart broken. I get it Lauren, it's called self-preservation! Lauren explains that she wants Brody to want to be in an exclusive relationship with her without her having to spell it out or feel like she's giving him an ultimatum. Lo is sympathetic, but still thinks Lauren needs to let Brody know how she feels.

The next morning at Hillside Villas, Audrina gives Lauren the recap of her date with Corey. Audrina tells Lauren that her date was awesome, and she's not used to being treated so well (because you know she's been getting shit on by JB for the past two years). Lauren is genuinely excited that Audrina has seemingly found herself a "keeper". Audrina worries about jinxing it, because it's still so early in the game. Lauren asks if they kissed, and gives Audrina a multiple choice of scenarios to choose from. Audrina avoids the question. Lauren breaks it down for us, saying Corey treats Audrina well, likes to kiss, and bathes, none of which JB did. Lauren gives a big thumbs-up, and says "UPGRADE!" Just like the tampon commercials! If only it were that easy in REAL life…

At Chez Speidi, Spencer pretends like he can read burying his ugly mug in a book while Heidi straightens up. Heidi asks Spencer to keep his feet off the table, to which he responds with a nice piece of very affected eyebrow-acting. Heidi, exasperated, asks what's wrong. Spencer blurts out that Stephanie told him that Heidi is having doubts about the wedding. Heidi is outraged and says it wasn't Stephanie's place to say anything, but of course, Spencer defends his sister. True to his manipulative asshole form, Spencer accuses Heidi of planning the big wedding as a stall tactic to delay their marriage. The fact that this thought would even occur to Sepncer is just further proof of what a conniving fuckwit he really is. Heidi says she was just trying to plan a special day with their friends and family but Spencer clearly doesn't care. Spencer again accuses Heidi of stall tactics. Heidi retorts that planning does not equal stalling and finally lets out a little bit of the frustration she's been holding in for months now. Heidi says that Spencer pressured her to move in with him and get engaged and that she's sacrificed a lot (friends, family, self-respect) for him. Spencer blows up and is all "like I haven't? I don't go to the clubs anymore! I never see my friends" etc. And herein lies the problem. When you're a desperate sicko that gives up your whole life to be with the "love of your life" it's always bound to backfire. Better luck next time kids. Spencer shakes his head and starts to walk out. Heidi calls after him "if you leave, don't come back!" and screams "Spencer!" as the door slams behind him. I'd like to believe that Heidi comes to her senses and ditches that freeloader's ass, but given that the fact that he's producing her album is all over the tabloids, I suspect Heidi's break-up threats are as valid as the first 7,689 times Audrina said "I'm done!" to Justin Bobby.

Lauren and Brody end the episode the same way it began-with another non-date. This time it's dinner at Off Vine. Brody, whose outfit can only be described as "ghetto clown", teases Lauren for not letting him pull out her chair. Lauren tells him about Audrina's dream date with her new guy. Brody doesn't think Audrina is really finished with Justin Bobby. Lauren expounds that sometimes no matter how much you like a guy, you just know he's not good for you. Ahem…Brody. Brody asks if Lauren has anyone like that in her life and she gives him a rather telling look. Brody asks if Lauren thinks he is going to hit on a bunch of girls like it's the most ridiculous notion on the world (which it will be if Brody continues to dress like an extra from Malibu's Most Wanted). To prove her point, Lauren asks to see Brody's phone. She scrolls through his phonebook and before she can even get to "C", Brody's promiscuous ways become painfully obvious. He has at least nine entries just for "Britney" including "Britney Hot Call Her", "Britney Platinum Blonde", and my personal favorite, "Britney Canada Whore." Brody laughs and takes his phone back. He says the long list of female entries was accumulated over many years. Lauren counters that Brody's phone is only a few months old, but Brody says he imported all his old contacts. Lauren jokes that "Britney Canada Whore" won't be getting a call anytime soon. Lauren tells Brody he can do whatever he wants, and she's not going to tell him what to do. Brody tries to say that she could give him some idea of what she wants him to do, but Lauren doesn't take the bait. Awkward and uncomfortable silence for everyone!

Next week: It's the big finale! Spencer and Heidi are on the rocks, Lauren and Brody are at odds, and Lauren finds choosing an American werewolf over Paris will always come back to bite you in the ass!